I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
