I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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