so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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