she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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