my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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