Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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