Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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