The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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