WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
