You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
