Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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