why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
