he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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