Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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