Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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