Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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