i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
