We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
