I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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