And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
