Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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