So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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