so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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