I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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