my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
