she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
