There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
