Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
