Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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