Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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