I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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