If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
