the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
