Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
