i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
