He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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