i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
