at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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