hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize