i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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