So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
