just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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