I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's like iHOP with fire
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize