I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
