return my video game
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
