if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry about my life...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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