you guys were way drunker than both of me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
