I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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