i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
