u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
