Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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