In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
