So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
