I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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