I'm drive I can fine osifer
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How does one acquire holy water?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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