Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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