She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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