I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize