I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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