I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
