he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
