Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
