I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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