this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
40s are totally the cure
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
